BAD BAD BAD

I don't do things by halves. It's all or nothing. This time it was a doozy. Mistake # 1 was accepting Teadrinker's offer to pay Benny back, and it was an even bigger one than not sending him a few hundred a month til it was paid. I didn't do that for the simple and stupid reason that STL is driving me wild by doing that to me. This copy of the fax I sent her this afternoon pretty much explains most of it.
 
 
God damn it to hell. I hope you are happy now. You lost the best friend you had in this country last night. All I did was ask how pissed off youd be if I went to England before paying you back. Now I know. Don’t worry you will get it back before I go and go I will. 500 at the end of this month and 500 plus the transfer charge at the end of August.
I am going to point out for the first, last and only time that when Ruth, Benny and I chipped in to get Pegasus 1 for you, we never mentioned it again. When you bought Bumper, we told you to go for it. We did that because we wanted to.
Ive been bitching about paying Benny back for ages. I never asked you to help and that was NOT the reason I whinged at you about it, and you know it.
Every time I helped you, and there were many times, from Freddy(I paid his 55 shek bills for a damn long time and never asked you to repay me. I even signed ownership  over to you, and believe me, those 55 shek bills added up, and I never said a word, not even when you traded him in on a new one, except good for you, enjoy!) to sending fags in a box of books, and a couple of other times.
That time you gave Doron cheques, you got the money spot on time. I got through that crisis and Ill get through this one too.
Ill just chalk this up to another lesson learned. No one, but no one will ever get a shekel from again. You and Striar The Liar taught me well. Now that I know why you are so pathalogical about money, I understand your horror of losing any. Too bad it cost you a friend. I wish I had never allowed you to send it to Benny, but I did, and you reacted totally in character. My mistake. Its just too bad your obssesion cost you a friend. Don’t worry.  That which is of utmost importance to you will soon be back where it belongs. You will get your books back too, after I finish The Great Book Project which is currently stalled due to lack of funds.
Don’t bother calling or trying to fax. Im out of film and am erasing the ones in memory.
That’s all I have to say except that I hope your money  doesn’t hang up when you call, because*I* will.
 
I'm not proud of it and I've been crying on and off all day. I wrote it this morning after turning the whole thing over and over all night. I didn't exactly get a lot of sleep, and this just about wrote itself. I didn't send it until she started calling and I started hanging up. This after she made a very nasty comment to effect that I'm planning a trip to England on *her* money and hung up with nary another word. I  probably shouldn't have sent it and will most likely give in sooner or later. First I have to forgive her AND myself for letting this whole mess happen in the first place. I can't blame it ALL on STL because I knew he was going to screw me over when I agreed to help him. I just didn't know how badly then, and where it would lead. I forgot my # 1 rule about "lending money" Don't do it unless you can afford to not get it back. I  just never dreamed that STL would have the unmitigated gall to go so far and get me in so far over my head and then play around paying me back. At least not until I did some refresher research on con man profiles. He fits the pathology to a *T*
I had a nice, if accidental nap today and most likely will be up just about all night, and then sleep most of the day tomorrow.
I found a great macrobiotic site and have been reading there for the last hour or so. It's given me the incentive to get serious about it again and stay with it.
It's nice to see some easy to use features here. I think I'll try the upload picture one with my favorite picture of Da Brat and Romi. Let's see how/if it works! Nope! The pictures have to be on a web site and all of mine are in the computer. I'll have to find a place to keep them on a site, but not right now.
Other than being upset with myself over the Teadrinker mess, I'm also very sad that I keep missing Billy when he's on line. I wonder how I managed to mess that up. It's absolutely rediculous the way I run to the computer when I hear the sign on note and it's not him. I only find out he WAS on line after he signs off and then I get all sad that he didn't buzz or even leave a note. A basket case, that's what I am these days, a basket case!
I think I'll post this, then wander over to the VA MB and see what's new since yesterday. Then maybe I'll cry and read myself to sleep.