MISERY

As you can imagine, I've been playing Ragamuffin's last few days over and over in my mind. It doesn't help the guilt at all, but thinking back, I've come to the conclusion that no one in this neighborhood would dare hurt either of my dogs. Due to the state of things here in Sprintzak City (don't ask, just read it with a sneer) it is much more likely that she was bitten by something, or ate something bad from the spraying that was done during Operation Clean up, separately or together did her in. If it *was* someone here, word would get back to me PDQ and whoever it was would find hell looking like paradise in comparison to what they would go through at my hands.
I found Raggy in 1992 when she was an itty bitty scrap of a puppy who had been abandoned. She had found her way into a government office, and took refuge under my chair because other people there were scaring her. I picked her up and went around the whole building asking if she belonged to anyone. When all answers were negative, I took her with me, bought her a collar and lead, took her home, gave her a bath, hand fed her (she was on the verge of starvation) and when the time came, got her her shots.
I miss her so much it's hard to put into words. I feel like a murderer. Peg keeps looking for her, and when he doesn't find her, turns accusing eyes on me. I can't help thinking that if I'd paid more attention to her and less to the skating championships, maybe, just maybe I would have noticed that something was very wrong with her, and the vet might have saved her. She deserved much better from me.
Peg and I are totally miserable, but he seems to be slowly realizing that there might be advantages to being an 'only child' while at the same time wishing she was still here with us. I'm not leaving him alone for now. I'm staying in with him. I took him with me yesterday when I went to check the mail, and rain is forecast for the rest of the week, starting today. I wish I could take him with me when I go out, but he's too old and has a very healthy fear of vehicles, and as I charge all over town on the main roads, I just can't drag him along.
I still have bouts of hysterical guilty crying, and they hit at the most unexpected times. I also get an odd physical reaction-a cold wave that goes through my body every time I think of her, and the guilt is overwhelming.
Last night, when I left the kitchen, my heart almost stopped. There are a couple of floor cloths just the other side of the fridge and a white one was on top. It took a second to realize what it was and another storm of weeping followed. This morning I put all the floor cloths in a bucket with the white one on the bottom.
I know it will take awhile before I pull out of this, but when I do, I'll get back to *normal* (not) posts.
Thank you for the hug, Fingers and to the VAers for all the support. It helps.