There are times when I wonder if there is something really wrong with me. My friend's sons' suicide has triggered all sorts of strange thoughts. I have been close to three people who took their own lives and for all my empathy I simply can not understand what could bring someone to that. Oh, there was a time about 10 years ago when I desperately wanted to die, but never once did I ever think of doing anything, I just wanted to die. The demons that drive someone to kill themself must be very strong and evil.
While I have difficulty fathoming why one would commit suicide, I can and do feel the pain and anger of those left behind. It's something that never leaves you and it takes ages to start functioning again afterwards, and no matter what the circumstances were, there is always guilt on the part of those left behind, even where there should be none. The worst thing is that there are often those who should feel guilt, but don't. They are the ones who should suffer, but probably won't until it's their turn to give an accounting of their lives to the Ultimate Judge. They'll just continue their lives feeling martyred, not saddedened and they will blame everyone but themselves for the tragedy, and never once so much as think to ask themselves if they contributed to it in any way. I consider people like that to be the most cold blooded consienceless murderers. They cause someone they should have loved and supported emotionally to take their own lives, and to my mind that is the worst sin that can be committed.
Antone who read my previous post knows what brought this on. Today my friend has to go to a memorial service for her son and face those responsible for it. I've been praying all day that she will have the strength to get through it with her head held high. We know what 'they' did to him, and that in the end they will be Judged by the Highest Court there is.
I have also been thankful since it happened that her husband was Sent to help her through it. He does indeed work in strange ways, but, always, always, takes care of us.
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I'd like to add an amen to that. I've een praying and continue to pray, for both of them, that they will have the strength to deal with the tragedy. Yes, He does work in strange ways (to us). May His peace be with her and those who mourn . Thanks PG.-J
xpressit
J Xpressit
Again, thank you for your kind and supportive words. And Bless you and thank you for caring. Having people who care will help our beloved Pepperhawks more than anything else.
Thank YOU.
Lucie and xpressit,
This is Peppermint. I have read through many comments and emails that have been sent to me over this past week. Never did I expect such an outpouring of love and support from people I have never even met, but I know from TH.
This comfort, support, and all the prayers that have been said by so many have done more than anyone can even know.
When I had to see my son for the last time on Saturday at his lay out, I thought I could not get through it, but as I walked to the door of the funeral home, I suddenly felt as if I had been lifted by angels. I felt something all around me I cannot describe in words, but the feeling that there was a collective mass of prayers, people holding me up, whatever it was, I suddenly and inexplicably felt as though I was not even using my own feet to enter the funeral home.
It was more as if I had been lifted in and the peace I felt was deep and comforting. Of course I cried over my dead son's body, but I told him I loved him, always would and I would always be with him in spirit and my love would go to him wherever he was.
I told him I held no anger if he did commit suicide which I do not believe he did with new information I have. But, if he did I knew he did not know what he was doing because his pain at that time was so great and so much bigger than himself, he did not realize what he was doing.
I only wish I could have been there with him, but we can never know when these things are going to happen. I have no guilt and thank God for that. My relationship with my son was good and we had pretty much said all we needed to one another in the last several months expressing our love and our special feelings about one another. I am so glad we had done that now that he is gone. There are no left over bad words or actions that I would have to deal with. Therefore I am at peace. I am in pain, sometimes pain so bad, I don't think I can get through it but I do. But, as time goes on, I will heal. It will never stop hurting, but it will ease at some point. My memories will always be there. I thank God for that.
St. Gracie,
Now that I've stopped crying, I'll try to answer what you wrote here, but in a short form.
YOU have given us at TH so much that it's the very least we can do to support you and help you grieve.
Your description of feeling lifted when you went in just shows the power and prayer and the love we feel for you.
I am continuing to prey that The Lord will ease your pain. I KNOW that He will.
Lucie,
Thank you so much. It is good to hear that I have in some way given to others.
Right now, I am devastated again over finding out that Jeff's death was indeed a suicide. I will need all the prayers I can get again.
The people who killed my son, his father and his wife, who were torturing him beyond belief, I hope will meet their Maker and that God will bring justice to them.
Although they did not kill him physically, they killed him emotionally in my opinion and I know in yours as we have discussed.
But, in the end, it was Jeff who made the decision to leave us all.
I'm way too devastated to go on.
Bless you for all you've done.
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