I WAS A BAD HUMAN TO MISS MISSY

 












I was a very bad Human this week. Miss Missy was in bad need of a hair cut and getting her nails clipped. Neither of which I can do myself. I made her an appointment at the local doggy spa for the full treatment, had Golan move her seat belt thingy to the front seat, and somehow got both of us in the car. She was just fine riding along, then, she balked at getting out with a perfect stranger. SHe did not want to go. I did wait until she was out of sight before driving away to get the a/c in the car it's annual dose of cooling gas. That done, I went back to wait for her. Thing is, I can't get into that shop on any of my wheely things. The step is just too high. Had I been able,  would have gone in and waited downstairs where she could hear me, if not see me. As that can't be done..................When she came out the door nd saw the car waiting for her, she literally pulled her escort to her door and flew in when it was opened. Poor little thing couldn't get close enough to me. I hugged her and petted her until she calmed down enough for me to put her seat belt thingy on and she got as close to my driving arm as she could and I could still drive. She stopped shivering after a few minutes, but looked very confused when I turned into the Mickey D's drive in to get her an ice cream cone. Ragamuffin and Pegasus loved this part of their spa days and scarfed their cones down in record time. Miss Missy was not having any of it, and refused to even taste that lovely vanilla cone. I tried and trying to conjol her into taking just one lick, even showed her how, but she wasn't about to budge. She was not going to let me off that easy. No ice cream bribe for her! When we got home, and out of the car, she went nuts and pulled on my arm just as I went around the corner with the stone wall and I got the scooter stuck on it for the second time thus year! Serves me right for what I did to her. So, I called Golan nad he came running to get us free of that wall, and she was all over him in a flash. He took her in the house, then, came back to free me nad Harley from the stone wall. Once I was in, and Golan was ready to leave after yet another successful heroic rescue, she danced around him in an attempt to make him stay. I think it was her way of showing me that I was not yet forgiven.I'm not quite sure that I have been forgiven yet. She is still a bit aloof, in spite of having gotten two huge steak bones. I think I'm going to make a "Miss MIssy Ice cram Day" once a month and take her for a car ride to get her one. At the least it will get her used to going in the car with me nad not being dropped off only to wonder id she is being abandoned yet again by her human.

PAYBACK IS A ***** FIVE LETTER WORD

Payback #1 Last week the new wheely story took a wrong turn that I just can't let go. The fool physiotherapist sent the required forms with more wrong information than correct. For example, he wrote that I am 1 meter 65 centimeter. The last time I was that short was when I was 10 years old. I am 1 mete, 77 cm, or, would be if I could stand up straight. That explains why the chair I ended up with in 2002 is midget sized and I can't get up from without using a thick pillow. That was just one goof. After seeing them all, I decided to go on a medical spending spree on my health provider's dime. The first expensive test was an echo Doppler of my neck arteries and leg veins. I gave them a break by asking for them at the same time. (more like I gave myself a break) I asked for them to be done at the provider that does them at the hospital my vascular surgeon reads them for. It just happens to be the most expensive place to have them done at. It's also at an inner city hospital with major parking issues. As my neighbor, and frequent partner in crime had just quit his "job", I asked him if he wanted to go along as wheely help. For some strange reason he enjoys these jaunts with me. The big day rolled along and I was showered, dressed, and ready when he showed up on time. I got the car fueled and we headed out of time a good two hours before we would have to if not for the parking issues. As expected, there was not a parking space to found. I decided to offer to let drop me off and take the car to the fishing shop he wanted to go to in another area of Haifa. He came back with an offer to drop me off and find a parking space. That sounded good, so we went with that. Having shown up very early, they called me well before my assigned hour and the tests were done by a gal who has done them to me before. Fun is not a word I would use to describe the tests, but they are not intrusive, so we had a fine time. When it was over I rolled out, thinking that he'd be in the area, but, he was nowhere to be seen. I called him and he showed up a few minutes later. Poor guy didn't find find a parking space so he just kept driving around. Next time he won't be so quick to tell me I'm being silly about finding parking there! He wanted to hit the fishing store, which is very close to where I used to work in Haifa, so I know the area intimately. I found a nice little spot to stop at which just happened to block a marked spot of the owner of a bakery we used to go to often back when I worked there. No problem as I had every intention of staying in the car, to read, and move it, if I had to. He didn't take too long and returned to the car with two ginormous fishing lures and some line. Next on the agenda was lunch in Carmiel at a place that we both love. Everything was just fine until we got stuck in a traffic jam that took well over an hour to get out of. Cops and private ambulances were whizzing by on the shoulder, so we figured it was an accident. By the time we got there, I was tired from the stop and go of the traffic jam dancing in my seat to pee. I told Golan to go straight to the loo, pass the seating guy and just get me there. He did, and thankfully there was a gimp loo. I had to go so badly that I didn't really care that the toilet was a gnome height. Maybe I should have, because I couldn't get up. It was just that simple, no way could I g et up from that toilet. The way I saw it, I had two choices. I could just stay there, or I could ask Golan for help. I went with option number 2. We managed to get me up without much too much trouble, and went to a table to order and eat. By then all I wanted was water, so I drank down a carafe by myself, had a few of the salads that come with the skewer of lamb I ordered, and we left to head home. The heels of both my feet were burning like never before. That was thanks to all the stop and go and my tendency to get sores(of the bed sore variety) there. Golan wanted me to drop him off in town, which I did. When I got home, it was to find a truck blocking my numbered gimp parking space. I tried twice to back in, but it just wasn't going to happen. That carries a hefty fine, so I called the cops and two came right away to find the truck owner. They finally tracked him down and he was not anywhere in the area. One of the cops asked what I wanted to do, so, I suggested that they bring Harley down to me and that the cop park the car, and so it was. I hopped (not very sprightly) with the cop's help onto Harley and went into town to get the few things I needed. I was very impressed by the cops. They were super sweet and not at all rushed. While all that was going on, the truck owner's mother showed up and when she understood the problem, apologized and swore that it would never happen again. By doing that, she saved her son from a whopping fine. I really didn't care about the fine, I just wanted to get the stuff I need and back home to bed, which I did. I ran into another minor problem with the getting into bed. I could only get one leg of my pants, and one anti death sock off, so, there I sat on the edge of the bed until Esther, Miss Missy's best friend and walker arrived and peeled the other leg for me. AAAAAHHHHHHHHH, I thought. "it's over". Uh, not quite. I did fall asleep quickly to dulcet tones of the Fox News folks, only to wake up an hour later with cramps in both legs and feet. It went on like that all night, but let up in the morning. (note to self: get a new salt for the bedroom) For my next payback, I'm having a full body bone scan, you know, a glow in the dark test that really costs. ANd I am ready and willing to pay my share. At least that test is at a hospital with parking. And I just might let Golan drive home! Was it worth it? Damn right it was

PESACH SAMEACH

Pesach (Passover) is and has always been my favorite holiday. When I was young, I loved the family all coming together for the Seder. There were usually grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins to enjoy it with. I still remember the ones at my grandparent's in Portland. THat's going back over 50 years. Then, there the ones at my parents where we all got together. Then, there was my mother's last one at my house with absolutely all the aunts uncles and cousins. That one and the ones at my grandparents are the two that I remember every year. For the last few years I have been going to The Savta's (friends who earned a strange nickname in 2008-Savta means grandmother, it's what I call Mr. Savta for some decidedly grand motherly behavior one day). Seder at their house is a proper from beginning to end Seder. Not a word is skipped. It's all just the way I like it to be from beginning to end. It always gets me to thinking that pretty much ALL the Jewish folks in the world are sitting at a Seder table somewhere in the world, reading the exact same words from the same book, and doing the same ritual things all other Jews are doing to commememorate the exodus of the Jewish People from from Egypt all those many years ago.I also get thinking, usually on the ride home that Pesach is quite possibly the oldest continuous holiday in the history of the world and that is wonderful to be a part of it and belong to the people who celebrate it every year, and to have the privilege of living where I do and being able to be a part do of such a wonderful Seder every year. I also like the complete change in foods for the week of Pesach. I really does make me stop and think and be thankful that I am me. I love Pesach.

I SEEM TO HAVE A FAN CLUB

I'm not quite sure just how I twigged to this insane development, but it does look like I do in fact have a very small, very demented fan club. As far as I can tell, there are 2 living human charter members, one long deceased human, and two deceased canine members, as well as one living canine charter member who seems to have appointed herself to be the reigning chairdog of my fan club.

The first fan I was aware of was my orthopedic surgeon from way back in the 1980s. Every time I had an appointment with him, he made a point of telling me that he thought I was amazing for going through all those shoulder surgeries with such a great attitude. He was, in his own words flabbergasted that I went through one of his procedures without passing out on the spot. We won't go into the time I took the stitches out of the second operation site. Sadly, he retired, then died and we got a new orthopedic surgeon at my clinic. It seems that my attitude to this whole being crippled thing is something he admires, not to mention my willingness to try just about anything he suggests. I've heard him take off on patients who he thinks are faking it, and even heard him tell one that if she wants to see real pain to take a good look at me on her way out. She left in a huff and glared at me in a most unfriendly way. He doesn't have much patience with slackers or pretenders.

Pegasus and Ragamuffin were also great fans of mine, but it was mutual. They adored me, and I them. No brainer there.

Now, my dentist has added his name to the fan club roster. It has turned out that the last few times I've gone to see him, I've gotten worse as far as taking a few steps goes and I have to take a few more than a few to get to his chair of torture, and he always has something to say about my spirit. Yeah yeah.

Now, last but far from least we have Miss Missy, the intrepid terrier who was badly abused before we found each other. It was love at first sight when we first saw each other. She shadows me where ever I go in the house and has appointed herself to the role of bathroom supervisor. She scoots under the wheely every time I go in and parks her little butt firmly on the floor and makes sure that I'm doing it right. She cracks me up every time she does that.

Coming home to her is incredible. Obviously she hears me on the ramp before I get to the door, and as soon as I open it, she's all over me with her little body literally quivering in excitement. I love coming home to that most times.

Last week it was almost a problem. Golan and I went to see my orthopedic doc in a suburb of Haifa. We stopped for lunch at a restaurant we both like. I got the car parked just fine, if maybe a little to close to the pole that supports my gimp parking space sign and had a little trouble getting on to Harley. When I got on the scooter I saw my cell phone on the seat, and that the little blue bit of silk that I use to put my anti death stockings on with had fallen out of my bra onto the ground. Great, just great. There was no way I could get to either item, so I decided to go to the ramp and get my picker upperer off the back of my in house wheely which was chained to rail the on the ramp. I took the corner badly and Harley got stuck on the little wall and could not be moved. There I sat with no way to get to my phone, until some guy came along and I asked him to please get the phone and blue thing and to close the car door. He was a blessing at just the right time. I immediately called Golan to tell him I was stuck on the wall and he came a run to get me off the wall. As if all that wasn't enough, I needed the loo badly. Oh, did I need the loo. Poor Miss Missy must have going wild hearing my voice so close, but not coming in. She went ballistic when I finally came in and couldn't care less that I needed the loo. She needed loving first, so while she did her 'happy that her human was home' dance I did my own dance of 'I need the loo' in the wheely while petting her. I made it there in the nick of time and she of course supervised.

So, that's my fan club. And I'm a great fan of each of them in return. Anyone interested in joining can sign up in the comments section of this post!

The infamous Harley capturing wall: That's Harley on the ramp, and last but far from least, Miss Missy, Loo supervisor extraordinaire

I'M BACK FOR NOW

Things have gotten interesting now that Miss Missy has arrived. She hasn't been here for a month and already has me pretty much trained to her standards. The poor little thing was abused badly by previous humans She must have known that I would never do that to her.Fischel the intrepid guard fish drowned in his bowl on the Friday. On Sunday I suddenly decided that I wanted to go to the shelter to see if they had a dog for me. Golan came along to help. When we got there, I was put through an interrogation that would have made the Mossad proud. I passed and the owner told us that she had just the dog for me at her house, where she keeps 30 dogs. We followed her to her house and when she came out with the dog, I opened the car door and she jumped right on me. That was it. End of story. There was n question that she had found her human! So it was back to the shelter to do the paper work. And that was it. Miss Missy had a new human. At first she was a little confused as to which of us was in fact her human, but she figured it out quickly. She now knows exactly who her human is, and adores Golan as well.She has pretty much gotten over her fears and even asks for a tummy rub.She doesn't much like it when I leave the house, but her welcome when I come back is worth going out for no reason other than to be welcomed back by her. Her whole little body quivers in joy and she jumps up and down demanding attention which she gets in excess.We have a wonderful mutual admiration society thing going on here.

Just checking in

It's been one of those years. In truth I just got lazy and was a bit disconnected from myself after that insane trip to the States last summer. In most ways it was great. I got to see a lot of people I've really missed over the years, but also missed some, like my son. A full week had been planned to visit with my son and his family in Florida. That never happened for an assortment of reasons, among them was sever exhaustion from driving from Maine to Kentucky. The heat didn't help either. I was feeling so out of it that I didn't realize that we had flight from Orlando to Reno until less than 24 hours before it was due to leave.  We piled everything in the car and took off on an all nighter from Kentucky to Orlando. We made it in the nick of time, but I never got to see Aron and the kids. It looks like I'm paying for that now. They were just here and I didn't find out until after they had left. I'm batting 100 with my kids. Neither of them is speaking to me. Never mind. They have their own lives and if they don't want me in them, so be it.
The last week and a half has been a bit weird, even for me. About a week ago, I developed a cough that had a somewhat usual effect on someone with a stroke damaged bladder. Urine started escaping every time I coughed, so I took to wearing adult diapers and taking cough syrup. Then, on Thursday the escaping urine turned into blood. Uh oh. Not being one to panic, I just asked Mr. Google to tell me if what I thought it might be was possible, and sure enough it was! I had been taking way too much rat poison by accident, I had pulled  muscles from coughing, and that stroke damaged bladder. I immediately stopped taking the rat poison (coumadin), and figured out a way to keep the Israeli 'diapers' in place. It was truly a bloody mess around here. Luckily the worst was over the weekend. By Monday it was over. The next  step was to organize a shower. I planned the shower around my cleaning lady's times, and turned on the solar water heater's electric booster. She is supposed to come at 0900, So, of course she showed up at 0645. So much for my plan. I had a feeling that I wanted someone else here while I showered. A little before 0830, Golan wandered in and I decided the electric booster had been on long enough. Into the shower I went. I had to ask Golan to close the sliding door for me, then, I got in, and scrubbed myself down. The cleaning lady left just as I was going in,but Golan was still here, or so I thought. I got out, and into my 'shirt', and discovered that the sliding door wouldn't open because it fell off it's roller.There I sat in the bathroom with no way out and no phone. Now what? There IS another door to the bathroom from the living room but it's blocked on the living room side by a massive pile of junk. Don't ask how, but I did get it open and tossed all the junk into the living room, and with the help of the floor washing squeegee's wooden handle somehow got to the recliner in the living room. How I did that is a mystery to everyone who knows Gimp House and it's gimp (me).Ok, I'm out but my wheely was not. Now to get to a phone. for that I needed to get to my bed. To that end I scootched the recliner to the entrance of my bedroom, and somehow got to the bed, then, on it. I called Golan and I swear he broke every land speed sprint record getting here. Bless him. He went out to my car to get the tools he needed to sort that sliding door's slider, put all the junk back where it had been, and rescued the wheely. I took a pain med because my usual hurts had aches and pains. I ended up staying in bed rather that going out and doing what I had taken the shower before doing. That was Wednesday. on Thursday I still didn't feel like going out, so I finally went out on Friday because I was expecting something I'd ordered from the States to arrive. It did in fact arrive so I went to the post office to collect it, then to look for a cordless phone that I can take with when showering I not only found one, I found a purple one. I skipped the things I had showered for as Friday is not a good day for either thing. I'll just do them on Sunday.
That was one insane week and a half. I'm not at all sure how I made it, but I did. I really don't know when or if I'll post next.........

IT'S BEEN QUITE A TRIP SO FAR

Amazingly, we got me to the airport in plenty of time for my flight. After a farewell coffee with The Savtas I was whisked away by wheely driver and left to carry out my cigarrette smuggling plot. I bought 10 cartons, 5 of marlboro light for me and 5 Marlboro red for Jeff. I took the packages apart and stuffed the individual packs into my carry on bags, and they got through!Never mind the 3 cartons in my checked bags-giggles- The only problem was at LaG uardia, where the TSA stole the gifts . That for Jeff and Jonathan. I got to Portland a few minutes after Susie and we got the car and went to the hotel. That was a bit of an adventure! I was headed in the right direction but stopped at a huge place with a huge parking lot in to try to figure it out. A guy in a pick up stopped to ask if we were ok and tried to show us where the hotel was. He was very sweet and found two wrong ones. Then I found the right one quite by accident. In the morning we went to Jeff's and found it after quite a few wrong turns. I made it up his porch steps but went ass over teakettle trying to get in the door. I landed on our bags and my crutch and burst out laughing. I used the steps to get up and got in. We had a lovely visit with Vicki until Jeff got home. Then the waterworks started. We laughed and cried and told old stories until it was time to head for Brunswick and find a hotel. We stopped at the Comfort Inn-no smoking-grrrrr- and took a room until Sunday. Ok. This coputer is driving me wild. More later. -- Posted By Purplegimp to A Gimps View From The North at 7/07/2011 05:01:00 AM